Noumenal Net

Because, you know, its really important to know if you’re descended from the Lord an’all. The DNA test is free and only takes four minutes. AND it can be performed online, with no blood drawn. Man, they’ve really come a long way with DNA tests these days. Anyway, the test determines if you are a descendant of Jesus Christ and Mary Magdalene. If you feel movement between the left and right sides of your brain during the test, then you are.

I took the test, and felt movement only on the right side of my brain. I think that means I’m descended from Mary Magdalene and some other guy. Bob, maybe.

If however, you burst into flames during the test, that means you’re the anti-christ. So there is a risk involved.

But never fear. If you fail the test, you can always take the other test, to see if you’re one  of the Ancient Ones. As if my arthritis doesn’t already indicate I’m fairly ancient.

So pop on over to the Merkaba website and take the tests, and if you’re an Ancient One, a Christ-child, or the Anti-christ (or a child of Mary Magdalene and Bob), please leave a comment here and let us know. We’d like you on our side.

Update: I did pass the Ancient Ones test. Or maybe that was all the caffeine I drank today.